Kids and Technology

My oldest has had a facebook page and cell phone I’m okay with that. Most of her friends also have facebook pages and phones there is a lot of communication going on via FB and texting these days and if used safely and monitored regularly it is fine. She mainly plays games and chats with friends from school and some other friends from cities we used to live in who she no longer gets to see on a regular basis. Granted if I could have bought her a phone that had no camera I would have gone that way – but the only phones with no cameras these days are military spec phone and incredibly expensive – go figure.

While she has a FB page, I have her password, and I set her privacy settings, I have veto power over anything on her profile and when necessary I have changed things, taken things down and even changed her password. I can do that because while it is her page she knows my husband and I have ultimate say on what she can do regarding it. (See This is not a Democracy - )

So, I guess with all of the information out there on what to not let your kids do and say and post online,information on being a vigilant parent regarding social media etc. I’m amazed when I see some of the updates from her friends and other younger FB members. I’m generally astounded that other parents are okay with some of the stuff that their kids are putting out there for the whole world to see. And I wonder if their parents even check to see what their kids are up to. I see things that immediately cause a red flag to go up in my mind and sometimes I would like someone to explain to me how some of this stuff is okay. Kids that aren't even my FB "friend" have wide open profiles and I see rude and insulting comments, I see inappropriate photos, I see out of line messages on the photos and I also know that these kids are under 18 years old and someone should be monitoring their behavior.

I believe that kids need to learn how to use technology and social media in a responsible way since it is so much a part of our lives. The level of instant communication and multitude ways they are constantly in electronic contact with many people are both wonderful and incredibly scary at the same time. For example, the good: when my daughter wiped out on her bike last week she could call me within seconds and I could come get her and her bike from where she fell – and the bad: so many stories of facebook stalkers, cyber bullying, creepers checking out images of kids online, sexting and the plethora of information on protecting identities on line.

I work hard to teach her that it’s always best to err on the side of caution when posting messages, status updates and especially photos online. I’m not especially naïve or particularly prudish regarding things online or in life (and those of you who have known me for decades can probably attest to that) but I am quite protective of the images and profiles of my children online which is why you don’t see their photos on this blog. I pick and choose carefully which photos are online on my facebook page and I have “veto power” over what my daughter posts on her facebook page. Security settings are locked down quite tight and I like it that way.

I have to remember that a middle schooler/high schooler idea of watching what they post may be very different than mine and as a parent I need to be vigilant and remind them that what is posted is a reflection to the world of how the kid sees themselves and wants to be seen - and with my own kids my job is to teach them to only put their best forward – it is also not just how she is posting as a middle schooler, but how she will present herself as she gets older and the example that she sets for her sisters and others in her life. It is something that it is better she learns now rather than learning the hard way down the line while on a job interview or in worse ways.

I realize that teens think that they are incredibly smart and quite invincible but I also believe that their parents ought to know better. So go online, get your kids password, lock your kids profile down, don't let just anyone in the world have access to their information, take their phone numbers and e-mail address off of their info page. Let them know what is okay to put out there for the whole world and what is not. Teach them to make wise and good decisions. It's not easy - but parenting is a pretty tough job.

Oh, and if you see they're posting at 2:00 a.m. on a school night - take their access to social media away for a while.

This is NOT a Democracy

I’m not sure how my kids got the idea that our family operates as a democracy, heck we aren’t even a representative republic around here. Sure they have their say but as the parents we have nothing requiring us to act on or heed their requests. Ultimately all decisions come from above (us). We’ve tried to explain that at best this home is a benevolent dictatorship more than anything else.

I do not understand parents who give their children equal say in family decisions, that is not parenting that is governing which are two very different things. I do want my kids input when it comes to a lot of things, what movies to see, what restaurants to eat at, what parks to go to etc. but ultimately their input is just that, input – it is not a vote, in the end the final decision lies with my husband and myself.

That said, finding a balance is very important. Letting the kids know that their input is valued and taken into consideration in this dictatorship and deciding how much weight to give that input when making decisions is key, especially as the kids are getting older Letting them have more say but not final say is also a balance.

I’ve seen young children running their parents lives and it dismays me every time. Not in the way that the children have busy schedules so parents have insanely busy schedules but in more subtle ways. Say a child wants to take dance classes and there are multiple dance schools to choose from. The Mother wants one school and the child wants to attend a different one. When I hear the Mother say “I wanted XX school, but she wanted YY school and ultimately she won” I can’t believe it. The child is 6, you are 35 – how is it even possible that the child “won”? Or when a 12 year old saves up their own money to buy a TV for their bedroom and the parent says “I didn’t want him to have a TV in his room but he saved up his own money so what could I do?” You could say "NO" you are the parent.

My Dad had a lot of sayings that were drilled into my head growing up. “This is not a democracy”. “Life is not fair”. “Thing can be either fair OR equal but rarely both”. “I’m not here to be your friend, I’m here to be your parent” and a number of others, especially ones that started with the words “while you are under my roof…”. While I may have disagreed with many of them while growing up, I’ve come to depend on them as part of my parenting of my own children. Yep, I make unpopular decisions – but not all the time. And even if they are unpopular the are usually good decisions.

Nearly every right they are given in this home is give by us. No child has a right to a cell phone, a facebook account, a computer, a TV, an iPod, certain clothes, to go out when they want etc. When they spend their own money if they buy something I do not approve of I can take it back or take it away.

I just really wish the parents of some of their friends felt the same way.